Fear or Faith…It’s Up to Us

It’s been way too long since I’ve blogged, but life has been soooo busy! For the longest time, I really couldn’t decide what to write about.  I finally decided it was time to write about my recent ONE VOICE adventure. 

Back in November, I received an email from a hospital in South Dakota that had purchased my ONE VOICE package a couple of months earlier. Because they don’t have child life specialists in their hospital, they wondered if I ever traveled and presented ONE VOICE at other hospitals. I have only presented ONE VOICE at hospitals where I’ve worked and child life conferences, but this was definitely something I had been thinking about. I hadn’t actually pursued it because…well…quite frankly…it scared the hooey out of me. For starters, I wasn’t even sure this was something any other hospitals would even be interested in. Secondly, it just seemed like a LOT of work! Not that I’m opposed to a lot of work…I put in countless hours developing all the materials…especially that PowerPoint presentation! It just seemed like a project that I could procrastinate on….so….well….I did! Now the opportunity was before me and I just couldn’t pass it up, so I enthusiastically said, “Absolutely!!” They said they’d be in touch and we’d work out the details of speaker’s fees, travel, etc.  Gulp. There was no turning back now.

Thus begins the tale of the small town girl who, once again, was in the Laaaand of the Clueless. I knew from my email exchanges that this hospital had no child life specialist, wanted to start a new pediatric pain management program, and they wanted ONE VOICE to be at the center of their new focus. Cool. Let the games begin, and may be the odds ever be in my favor! (GREAT books, by the way…check out the Hunger Games)  I strategically chose THE LAST date that they had given me as an option, knowing that I would need plenty of time to tighten up my presentation. I was right in the middle of taking back-to-back online grad classes that were making me a tired, cranky and teary-eyed woman on any given day of the week. I had some really big projects coming up at work, too, so I had to plan accordingly. In all honestly, I was completely overwhelmed. The hormone-driven-crazy-woman part of me wanted to descend into a complete and total state of continual panic. However the rational side of me, the side that said “first things first…you planned your projects in succession, just take on one at a time,” won out. I had been very methodical in planning of my projects. Now all I had to do was complete them; easy enough. I also had to remind myself….every…single…day…that I would get them all done, one at a time, just as I had planned.

When planning the presentation, I knew that I couldn’t just do the “regular” ONE VOICE presentation; I was going to have to beef it up. The nurse practitioner (NP)  and I visited about their patient population and the staff and she asked what I thought about giving them just some basic information. I gave it some thought and I decided that I would talk to them about kids’ reactions to hospitalization, how children cope, how to approach them, what words to use, and then go into the ONE VOICE presentation. Sounded easy enough….and…it was. The only thing that worried me was that whole “time” thing. The entire workshop was going to be four hours, and I was being given at least 2 ½ hours for my portion. Two…and a half…hours! That…is a loooong time! For….a lesser woman perhaps…one who does not possess a tie dye cape!! I have no problems yapping that long...the only problem…I wanted to make sure I was interesting.  I mean, I can be uninteresting when I’m not being paid a lot of money…heck, I do THAT all the time. I just really wanted to make sure I was giving them what they paid for. 

So, in true Deb Wagers fashion, I continued to put the whole thing off until about a week before it was time to board that plane. I’d given it some thought in my usual places: car, walking, shower, in the potty…so when the time came to add all my ideas into the presentation, it was virtually a piece of cake. I really wanted to worry about the presentation itself, or about my presentation of the presentation…but when it came down to it, I wasn’t really worried at all. I was just really excited. What an amazing opportunity for me!! What a great chance to go and share my passion for making the lives of sick children better!! I couldn’t wait for the day to come!! And…thanks to my procrastinating, I didn’t have long to wait!

Well…the day came. I flew, I ate, I  I drove, I got to the hotel pretty late, and then….I had the dream.  The dream that allowed me to get about…2 ½ hours of sleep the night before the first presentation. What dream might that be? The one where I showed up to school and forgot to wear pants? No. It was the dream where the other two people who were supposed to do the first hour of the presentation….forgot to show up. Yep, THAT’s the dream. I showed up to do my presentation and the other two people forgot to come.  It was one of those dreams where I KNEW I was dreaming and that it wasn’t real, but I just couldn’t wake up! Unfortunately, I couldn’t really sleep either. Oh well…yawn.

The first presentation totally rocked! When the NP was introducing me, I got choked up, literally. I had to fight the tears from flowing. She talked about how the pediatrics department had identified that they needed to do a better job catering to their pediatric population. They identified a number of things they could do better, and somehow had landed on my website, www.onevoice4kids.com.  She said that so many of the things they wanted to incorporate were all right there in ONE place. They decided to make that the focus of their workshops. I fought back the tears.  I was SO incredibly proud and SO incredibly humbled, all at the same time. I had doubts from the beginning of this project, not really knowing if there would be a market for ONE VOICE. I believed in it 100%, but there was always this little nagging doubt… “what if?” All of those doubts came crashing down at this point. I had instant validation that others believed too. Powerful, powerful moment.

The attendees were all very attentive, interactive and willing to learn. I was witty, charming and informative. The nurse practitioner said everything went “perfectly” and no changes were needed for the presentation on the second day. Score!! She was really pleased and so was I!  Now I got to have some “Debbie time!” Mt. Rushmore, here I come!!! It was a beautiful afternoon; the sun was shining, it was about 73 degrees, and I had no laundry to do, no floors to vacuum, no guilt about all the other things I should be doing. After a relaxing drive around Mt. Rushmore with the music loud and the windows down, I headed back into Rapid City for dinner and a drink. Rapid City is a beautiful little town, full of a lot of culture and friendly people. I had a great little dinner and a drink out on the patio of a little restaurant, and enjoyed the success of what I’ve created. I thanked God for His eternal presence in my life. To me, this was the finest moment yet. This was the culmination of two years of hard work..I’d spent countless hours on this whole project. From the very first day when I decided to apply for copyright, to now, this shining moment. This was it.  I reflected upon all the work that had gone into making this all happen. I didn’t have a clue about how to make any of this happen when I started. All I knew, was that ONE VOICE made a difference for children, and that was my driving force.

I made a lot of phone calls, sent a lot of emails, did a lot of talking (Gee, imagine that), and just asked a LOT of questions of a LOT of different people, to get to where I was today.

My lesson in all of this is not about “Gee, look what I’ve accomplished.” I’m not that kind of person. My message is to pursue your dreams. If you don’t know how to do something, find someone who does. If you can’t find someone who knows, Google it! If Google doesn’t know, ask someone else. Never give up. Be diligent. Work hard. If there is something you really want…that you really believe in…you can’t let fear stand in your way.

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

Ethical Leadership: A Cookie, a Nap and a Glass of Milk?

I have recently embarked on a new and exciting adventure….at the ripe old age of 48, I have returned to school. I am enrolled in an online accelerated program through Clarkson College in pursuit of my Master’s in Healthcare Administration. A new class starts every 6 weeks. Wow, sounds impressive, huh? I’m here to tell you that it is really exciting but has been quitechallenging, to say the least. It has been a struggle trying to juggle working full time, being a single mom and figuring out how to get all the assignments complete. My son will be turning 14 next week (insert a heavy sigh, a shaking head, and a tear in my eye) and he has been extremely supportive of my efforts, which has been a tremendous help. He’s had to make a few sacrifices as well, mostly in the way of having me as available to him. (Well, I’d like to THINK he minds that I’m not around as much!) I often stay at my office well into the evening to work on assignments (at work I don’t have a dog sticking her head in my lap!) which leaves him to have to fend for himself. In all honestly, I know he enjoys that extra independence, but I truly appreciate his efforts and miss being around him. While he doesn’t seem to mind, there is also the element of his being proud of his old mom. I walked in the other night at nearly 10 p.m., after having left the house around 8 a.m. I had spoken to him a couple times throughout the evening and shared with him that this is not an easy task for me. I struggle trying to wrap my brain around all of the concepts of business leadership, knowing what to write about, etc., and I told him that I’d had just had a “mini meltdown” in my office. To be honest, that is the “understatement of the year” thus far. At times I’ve said to myself, “What the hell was I thinking??! You don’t know what you’re doing!!!” Thankfully, these thoughts have been followed by some amazingly lucid moments of clarity… “It will all be worth it in the end. Take a deep breath…one assignment at a time…stop freaking out.” (Thank you to my calm, rational, inner voice…I knew you’d come in handy. While sometimes you annoy me, you usually know best.) When I got home that night, and before my son went to bed, he told me to put down my book and stand up. He gave me the biggest hug and said, “I’m really proud of you, Mom, and this whole grad school thing. You’re doin’ awesome.” Enough said. This isn’t just about me…it’s about my son, too. He’s learning a valuable lesson in all of this as well.

One of my assignments for week #4, was to write about what “ethical leadership” means to us. I began to formulate a basis for my assignment, and as I neared the end, I decided it might make a nice blog entry. I hope you enjoy it!

I think “ethical leadership” is a relatively small term for an extremely involved concept; a concept that will undoubtedly mean different things to different people. When I think of ethical leadership, I immediately think of always just “putting your best foot forward.” I think the basics of ethical leadership can easily be based on concepts learned in Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”

Let’s look at just a few of those lessons:

· Share everything- I think the basic idea behind this is that we should look after one another, treat each other with respect, and look to everyone as our equal regardless of our position within an organization. This can mean sharing of our time and talent, our ideas, our enthusiasm for our work and our mission, and just as importantly, sharing encouragement to those around us.

· Play fair– To me this says, “Follow the rules and no cheating.” If you play fair, people will want to continue to play. They will trust you and your actions and perhaps someday seek you out if they are in need, because they know you are trustworthy. On the other hand, if you cheat, they will lose faith and begin to question your motives in your other actions. Having a leader who is fair, will encourage followers to come to that leader with questions, concerns and ideas; you will have created a feeling of respect among those on your team and those around you.

· Put things back where you found them – To me that also shows respect. If you come into a situation as a leader and you are looking for answers, you may uncover a lot of different information. Some of this information might be unpleasant or deal with unethical behaviors. You may unearth some potentially disruptive information. After sorting through all of this information, it is our responsibility to “put things back,” meaning leaving things in better condition that when you found them. I think when a teacher or mom says, “Put that back where you found it,” they would all be pleased if we left things in better condition than we had found it.

· Clean up your own mess– How often in leadership do we have to clean up messes? Sometimes they are our own, but they might also belong to others. I think as a leader, it is important to admit if we’ve“made a mess” and to be honest from the very beginning. As children, did we get into trouble for breaking the lamp or for trying to cover up the mess? As children I’m sure our parents all said,“If you make a mess, it’s okay, just come tell me about it.” We all probably learned the hard way that we would get in moretrouble for trying to cover something up. Would this really be any different as a leader? I don’t think so. We all make mistakes and we all want to do things the right way the first time; it certainly would make life easier. However, we are all human, and we often learn the best lessons from messes we’ve made. We just need to remember to clean them up when we’re done.

· Don't take things that aren't yours – This obviously applies to physical belongings and company property, but just as importantly, can apply to intellectual property. Don’t take ideas from someone else and claim them as your own. That is stealing, plain and simple. We also need to be respectful of others when they are idea-sharing. We should all be open to their thoughts and ideas, and encourage each other to be creative. As a leader, it is imperative that we possess integrity and that we live the truth as we speak it.

· Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody – If you make a mistake, own up to it. A great leader takes responsibility for his/her actions and for the actions of the team. I think a truly great leader is willing to take the blame for their team. A true team works together for the betterment of a project or an outcome, and any shortcomings that may be seen are really a reflection of a team effort. Regardless of whether it was one person or a group of people who may not have been able to successfully complete a task, a good leader will accept responsibility for his/her team without placing blame. Selflessness is a crucial quality in an ethical leader.

· Live a balanced life– Living a balanced life outside of work is often reflected in our careers. If we are a workaholic and are unable to strike that balance between time for ourselves, our families, and our inner peace, then we are not being good role models for our followers.

· Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day– This definitely goes along with balance. We all need to be in touch with our creative side, the side that is not afraid to think outside the box. Think of the carefree days of childhood where coloring the grass blue felt good, and we chose bluejust because we could. During those untroubled times, we could dance and laugh and play without fear of what others thought about us. We could start with a blank piece of paper and by the end of art class; we could have one of three possible creations. We may have created a painting that had purpose and direction from the very beginning, and we were able to make it look just how we wanted. We could also have a painting that started with purpose and direction, but ended up looking differently than we had planned. Or, we could also have a picture that didn’t necessarily look like anything in particular, we just kept mixing paints together and adding different strokes, but in the end, really didn’t look like anything. However, while we were creating, we learned incredible lessons about ourselves and our materials. Allowing ourselves to be in touch with this part of our being, will allow us to move beyond the day-to-day tasks and look toward new creative and innovative ways of bettering our companies and the communities which surround us.

· Take a nap every afternoon– Let’s just say that one is self-explanatory.

· When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together; be aware of wonder– What a marvelous way of looking at our companies and our communities with a sense of “oneness.” This is about how we all need to look out for one another and support one another. A good servant leader will put the needs of his/her followers ahead of his own, much as a parent will put the needs of their children ahead of their own. A servant leader is concerned with others and helping them find their way in the world. A great leader will promote this sense of oneness by leading through example; showing genuine concern and compassion for those around, whether this is in their personal or professional life.

· Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap – I think this speaks to taking care of yourself and finding those little everyday pleasures in life. This doesn’t have to be taken literally; it could mean finding those little things in our work and relationships that make us feel good inside. Sharing kind words with one another, complimenting those around us on a job well done, or just taking a little break together.

Fulghum, R. (1986). All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. New York: The Random House Publishing Group.

A Year in Review.....

Wow! Had anyone told me back in 1996 that one day I would apply for copyright on this whole ONE VOICE concept, and that it would be getting as much as attention as it’s gotten, I would have said, “You’re nuts!” I will say this though; it has certainly been a wild ride!  Since I first started researching this whole process, I’ve learned a ton…about a lot of different things. I learned that there’s really a lot that I don’t know, but if you ask enough questions and Google is your friend, you can figure just about anything out.   Now, what I DO know is child life, and how we make a positive impact on our patients and families. What I didn’t know was just how well this whole ONE VOICE thing would be received. I’d had a lot of people asking about it and I’d heard talk about ONE VOICE on the child life listserve, but I just didn’t know if anyone would truly be interested in a “product.” Remember the lollipop guy on “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” This was even scarier than HE was, and he used to freak me out. 

Now having been practicing in child life for 20+ years, I make a decent living, but I’m also a single mom who doesn’t have a savings account (except for a few months after I get a tax refund!) Like most of America, I live paycheck to paycheck. The whole idea of coming up with money to create a “product” was extremely overwhelming. I mean, $200 might not be a lot to some people, but to me…um…yeah…my teenage son likes to have food on the table….he’s actually quite fond of it. Once I decided to just jump in feet first, I had that whole worry, “What if no one wants to buy it?!”  Gulp.

The first order of business was getting a logo. The logo was actually kind of the easy part. An old high school friend and former roommate from Iowa State, Beth Morrison Rogers, was a graphic design major. All it took was for me to ask if she’d be interested in designing something. Since I’d known her for years, I’d seen her work and knew her capabilities. I said I kind of wanted the letters of “one voice” to make a face somehow…so if you looked at it, it would be a face but you wouldn’t necessarily know that it spelled “one voice.”  Her idea was much better than mine. It took a few back and forth exchanges via email and what she came up with is what you see today as the logo.   How much did I have to pay her? Well, the bill is actually still unpaid….I owe her a beer. Now that’s MY kind of budget!

The website was my first big undertaking. I wanted…well…really NEEDED to be able to do it myself to save money, and also to be able to be in control of the content. I had no idea what I should include on the website, pricing of the products etc., so I needed to be able to make changes whenever I needed to. I knew it would be a process and a learning experience. I knew absolutely nothing about website design, but God was nice enough to have a commercial playing one night about Intuit.com. Websites started at $4.99 per month…hmm….I could scrape that up, so I signed up. Of course, adding the ability to have online shopping etc., raised the cost a little, but it’s been very easy to navigate and they’ve been good about customer service. It took several hours of planning, but voilá…it was done. (In case you’re wondering….all the cute kids on my website? Some of them are my son at various stages in his life, and others are children of some of my friends…I said, “If you want your kid on my website, send me some cute pics”, and there are a couple from the Intuit clip art collection. You know, just in case you’re wondering.)

The posters were really easy to have made…once the decision was made as to what kind of paper to use. I had NO idea there were so many choices!!? The number of paper choices probably equal the number of shoes in many women’s closets…just sayin’.  I wanted to make sure I got something sturdy enough so that people wouldn’t feel like they were being ripped off on the cost. Ever pay money for something and think, “Who’s the jerk that thinks it worth THAT much money??!”  Yeah…not on my list of wants….to be thought of as a rip-off artist.

By far, the most difficult project was the PowerPoint. In all my years of teaching about ONE VOICE, I’ve used a variety of presentations. Mostly it has been a pretty basic presentation. I would just fill it in with all the knowledge floating around in my little pea brain from all the scenarios I’ve encountered in all my years of practice.  What I’ve learned in all these years is that I apparently speak with a lot of passion. This is the same passion that prompted me to come up with ONE VOICE all those years ago. The passion that wanted to help make a difference for all those scared little kids and their families. Well, one thing I never learned, was how to bottle that passion…and better yet…how do I pass it along? Tried Googling it. Hmmm….nothing. What I needed to create was a PowerPoint that child life specialists could use to teach new child life specialists, or child life practicum and internship students. But…these people will already kind of think like me. I didn’t want to be seen as “preaching to the choir”.  Most beginning child life specialists will know the basics; parental presence, prepare the patient, tell them they’re doing a good job, have distraction nearby. Most will know about comfort positions, but might not be very polished in its practice.  I would guarantee that everyone has been bothered by having lots of voices talking at the same time, and having so many people in the room that aren’t really there for an exact purpose. I wanted to be able to teach those up and coming child life specialists an easy way to remember how to create a less threatening environment…we’re at the forefront.  But at the heart of it all, it was really about teaching others how to make a friendlier environment. ONE VOICE isn’t rocket science. It’s an easy way to remember how to look at the environment.

Creating the PowerPoint was going to be tricky. When I originally started to put it together (FYI…it took 4 months), it was with child life specialists in mind. I needed to create a PowerPoint for “the choir” so that they could go out and teach other healthcare personnel.  Knowing that there are a lot of personality types (and medical professionals) that need to have research to back up what they were hearing, I had to include some of that information as well. It couldn’t be just “because child life says it makes a difference.” I didn’t need to show ONE VOICE research necessarily, but research that backed up the components of ONE VOICE.  As I was putting together the presentation, I actually had a few emails from non-child life specialists inquiring about ONE VOICE. I realized that it needed to be bigger than what I was thinking. It needed to be designed not JUST for child life professionals, but for any healthcare professional that wants to implement it. Now I no longer had the comfort of my “choir.” The presentation had to make sense to people that didn’t necessarily think like a child life specialist. This is when my head really started to hurt. (Note to self, “Buy stock in Advil”)

And then there was the fear of having a grammatical or spelling errors out there for the whole world to see??!! I’m usually pretty hip to all the grammar stuff. Although I’m known as the grammar Nazi at work, I’m usually just smart enough to know that if I have any doubt in my mind, change the sentence around to use different wording, or Google it. It nearly sent me into a panic attack thinking I might not catch a little boo boo and would forever be known as “the ONE VOICE lady who used the wrong form of a verb on a presentation that she charged too much money for.” (I’m the kind of person that can’t even have a spelling error on a note I leave to MYSELF on my desk…I mean…what if something happened to me on the way home from work and when they cleaned my desk off, they saw the error and thought, “She didn’t even know how to spell esophagogastroduodenoscopy?”)   So not only did I worry about the content and whether it was easy to follow, I decided to add grammar and spelling to my worry list. I mean, what good are lists if there are only a couple of things on them, right?

After COUNTLESS hours of work and revisions, I sent off my presentation to several of my child life colleagues for review, a physician, two nursing colleagues (one with her PhD), and a grammar Nazi friend who has absolutely NO medical background whatsoever. This was pretty ingenious asking a non-medical person for input.  As a child life specialist, I pride myself on not being too….medical….or too…technical…I believe in “keeping it real” for folks.  What I learned was that I was actually using a lot of developmental mumbo jumbo.  It would make sense to a child lifer, but not necessarily to other medical personnel. I also had to look at some of my medical phrasing.  If it didn’t make sense to my non-medical friend, it just might not make sense to everyone.  Granted, medical staff are familiar with medical jargon, but I needed to make sure it wasn’t jargon that was too specific to my area of practice. With everyone’s input, the presentation was complete.

The ID badge cards….well….I’ll just skip talking about those…they were a pain in my patootie…but they’re cool. I also needed to become an LLC (limited liability company), open a business account and apply for a tax ID number….but don’t worry…that stuff was all in the manual I read about starting a business. Oh wait…I didn’t have a manual. It just came from asking LOTS of questions from LOTS of people whom I thought just might know the answers. Thankfully, I found some people who did know the answers.

So with all of that being said, that’s a small snippet into the past year of “production” at ONE VOICE, LLC.  It’s been a wild ride…a really….wild ride.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

·         26 hospitals have purchased the ONE VOICE package (PowerPoint, posters and ID badge cards), and a handful of hospitals who have purchased just posters and badge cards

·         Was asked permission to have ONE VOICE listed in the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) policy statement on Child Life Services

·         Was included in an article written for “Connections”, a magazine of the Emergency Nurses Association, published in December 2011

·         Featured in “The Week”, which is the employee newsletter for The Nebraska Medical Center where I work. I try really hard to keep “my worlds” separate since ONE VOICE is a side business, but hey, it was cool….I got front page!!

What a year…I have been very blessed…makes me wonder what might be in store for next year? Bring it on….

Reading, wRriting, aRithmetic and.....Child Development?

Sometimes it's hard to know what to write about...and for anyone that knows me personally, words are something I usually have PLENTY of. In fact, I remember my grandma telling me when I was just little girl,  "I remember when you were little and we couldn't WAIT for you to start talking. Then once you started, you never shut up" and she would just smile that beautiful smile that only my grandma had, and her eyes would just twinkle.  So trying to decide what to write about is sometimes a chore because I have to weed out a lot of banter inside my head.

A few months ago I went to a  one act play with a friend, that had only two characters. It was a really funny play telling about the exact same encounter in a super market one day, but from two different points of view..of the two people who had had the encounter. There was a point where the female character went on this 20 minute "crazy woman" ranting about something that happened to her in the tuna fish aisle at the grocery story. She was really just rambling wildly and continuously and flitting from one thought to the next...having good thoughts vs. evil thoughts...literally bantering like a crazy woman. She was like a woman possessed and it was HYSTERICAL. I leaned over to my friend and said,  "Oh yeah, well that's what it's like to live inside my head. What just took her 20 minutes, happens in only FIVE minutes in my head. Novice." See...here I go...rambling again...stick to the topic, Debbie. Oh, that's right, I haven't gotten to it yet.  Here it is: I FINALLY sat down and wrote a letter to our Governor about a topic that has driven me nuts for YEARS. I've had the same idea for years, and each time I talk about it, I get all fired up and say I'm going to finally sit down and DO something about it. Yesterday was actually the day.

For YEARS I’ve sat back, shaken my head, and tried to figure out what is WRONG with kids today.  There are SO many kids that are so disrespectful not only to their parents, but to classmates, teachers and their school administrators. Kids mouth off to adults that they don't even know, talk smack to upper classmen and are just plain disrespectful. (Start shaking my finger and my cane) "Back in MY day, we would have NEVER done that."  Have you ever been in a store or out for a walk,  and just had random kids start spewing disrespectful things at you or others around you? What in the HECK is that all about??!

My son currently is in the 8^th grade and attends a magnet school in Omaha, NE. He’s a great student and a really good kid and we chose to have him attend this school for the academics. This particular magnet school is located in "the hood."  We talked a lot about how kids might act differently at this school, might not have as well-defined boundaries, etc., and how it would be important to just focus on school and try not to pay too much attention to the other "stuff." We talked about the valuable life lessons that this type of environment might provide and how maybe, just maybe, he might be able to help others around him by being a good role model. But I'll tell ya'.....the stories he tells about how kids treat each other, teachers, etc., make me really angry, yet sad....and confused all at the same time.  Where in the world is it okay for kids to call teachers names that I didn't even LEARN until I was in high school? Where is it okay to fight in the classroom...and....what?....girls fight with boys??!! Fist fights? Really? You've got to be kidding. One day last year, my son broke up a fight that was happening between a boy....and....a girl....and the GIRL started it??! What the heck is wrong with society??!!  I can tell you what I think PART of the problem is, then I’ll tell you where I think might be a good place for us to start in fixing the problems. 

Obviously it would be very easy to get upset with the kids and tell them to just “straighten up. It's not okay to fight. And you NEVER hit a girl!"  Unfortunately, for so many kids today, they don’t have a reasonable idea of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.  They don't have boundaries that are defined in their homes.

I’ve always said, “How do you teach a low income child that they need to go get an $8 per hour job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, when they can go out on the streets and sell drugs and make a ton of money?” The answer? You teach them that it’s wrong. Period. End of statement. However, do all parents do that? There are a lot that don’t. There are a lot of parents in our world that haven't even figured that out for themselves.

And have any of you parents actually ever looked at your child's facebook? I am APPALLED by what I see some kids writing.  The filth that flies so freely from their fingers....well...that's another topic. My question is not only"Have you seen what your child writes on facebook," but "Do you even know that your child has a facebook account??!"  I actually PRAY that their answer would be "No...I've never checked it" as opposed to "Yeah, I read it. Kids will be kids." At least ignorance you can work with...teach parents that it is their RESPONSIBLITY to monitor those, IF they even choose to allow them.

Okay, so then who DO you get angry with? The parents, right? Not exactly. Most parents are doing the best that they can…and they’re doing what THEY were taught.  Parenting takes a lot of energy and patience and not everyone is equipped the same way as me and my child development degree. So inevitably what happens, is you get “crappy parents” raising “crappy kids,” because they pass on what THEY were taught. It’s just a vicious cycle. You watch teen girls fighting with each other, screaming and pulling hair, scratching, and calling each other names that you wouldn’t even DREAM of saying…where does that come from? Often times, I believe it’s what THEY see. What my son describes at his school is like an episode of Jerry Springer.  It’s deeply disturbing to him that kids treat each other that way, but they also talk that way to teachers.   There’s only so much positive role modeling that the “bused in” kids can provide. This all needs to start at home. I am a firm believer in "It takes a village to raise a child." Unfortunately what I see a lot, is schools doing the best they can, only to have parents work against them at home.  So how can we fix this? Is it an easy fix? No. Is it a quick fix? Absolutely not. Do I think we have to start somewhere? Absolutely.

Get ready....here comes my point.....

I’ve always felt that it should be MANDATORY for ALL middle school AND high school students to take a child development class. What? Why? Because EVERYONE, whether you have children or NOT, will deal with children. What would be gained through this? Role modeling, learned compassion, NORMAL growth and development, how to discipline children, and how to get children to do what you want WITHOUT yelling and hitting them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a store and heard a parent SCREAMING at their children and smacking 'em. Yes, I have been known to call security.  If I see them smack a child, and I’m not talking about just a little slap, I've called 911.  If I don't actually SEE them hit the child, but hear it, or if I hear a parent being totally inappropriate in their tone or words, I just follow them around the store…literally.  I follow them to make them uncomfortable and to make sure that if I DO see something worse, I’m there to intervene. My fear is, if parents are treating their children this way in PUBLIC, what are these precious kids having done to them at home??! And what does this teach those kids? That that is how you discipline….and it ISN’T. Most of the parents are screaming at their children for …gosh...being children.

I’m  a mom and I know full well that kids can be really annoying, ornery, etc., and that sometimes being in public almost breeds misbehavior, and that you sometimes have to yell at kids. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the kind of treatment that brings tears to my eyes, and makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Here’s a classic example of a parent doing what they think is right...but...it's wrong: A few years ago on the radio they were talking about car seat safety, the importance of keeping kids buckled up, and whether or not it infringes on your rights to HAVE to do this. There was a young woman that called in…sounded like late teen, early 20’s in age. She was quite soft spoken, but she talked about how she holds her baby in her lap in the front seat on the passenger’s side. Naturally the radio host was trying to help her understand how dangerous this was, but this passive woman held her ground.  “I hold my baby really tight. I can protect her if we get in an accident because I love her. I can do a better job than a car seat.” She was very passionate about her answer. The radio host tried to reason with her about what happens if the car strikes something and how the baby would be crushed. She wasn’t listening. She believed she was right. “Plus, my baby doesn’t like car seats, she cries when I put her in one.” This was just lack of education. Perhaps if someone had said to her growing up, “Lots of babies cry when you put them in the car seat, you just do it anyway. Eventually they will quit fussing.”  Or if it’s regarding a toddler, “Do you know, the great thing about having a toddler (or a preschooler) is that if you say, “the car won’t start until you’re in your car seat” and then you “fake” demonstrate that the car won’t start…they’ll believe you... because that’s the way their minds think.” (I used  this on my son when he was just a little guy and it worked like a charm)

I truly believe that if we can start to teach young people appropriate ways to interact with children, even if they don’t see these behaviors at home, it WILL make an impact. They can also be taught safety…not just for any children they might encounter, but also for themselves.  Had the woman above had such a class, she would have known that it is extremely dangerous to not have children in a car seat, and that kids don’t have the ability to rationalize that a car really CAN’T detect if you’re not in your car seat. (Well…maybe there ARE cars now that can??! Sheesh.)

I really feel this would be a good place to start. We HAVE to start to teach our young people better ways...we obviously can't count on it to happen at home. This is not a quick fix, or a total solution; it's one piece of a very large puzzle.  We often have GENERATIONS of "crappy parenting" to undo.

We require that kids take 3 YEARS of math in order to graduate and let's face it...a lot of the math that we’re taught, we don’t ever use.  But it seems crazy to me that we ALL deal with children, and we’re taught nothing about them, except for maybe what our parents teach us …and herein....sometimes lies the problem.

More Butterflies from Princess.....

Okay, so I just felt like I needed to do an addendum to my last blog “Always Look for Your Butterflies.” If you haven’t read my last blog, please take just a moment to do so…it will help you understand the significance of what I’m going to write about now.  This story isn’t really meant to be preachy, but I am definitely a very spiritual person. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share this story of His presence in my life, and how we all have to be open to that presence…and sometimes...you don’t have to look far at all.

On Tuesday of this week, I went to Princess’ visitation. I spent some time visiting with her mom, and then some time at her casket…and she actually did look like a princess….sparkly pink lip gloss and all.  I then stopped to visit with her grandmother. We visited for a very long time. We shared stories that made us laugh and cry, and she told me stories of Princess’ last few days. We had done a lot of pretty significant sharing, so I decided to share with her the story of my butterfly…the swallowtail butterfly that reminded me that child life is what I’m supposed to be doing right now.  As I finished my story she said, “Did you say it was a swallowtail butterfly?” I replied, “Yes” and then she asked, “Did you see the picture of Princess when you signed the guest book? Did you see what she was holding?” (This picture was taken the month before at her Uncle’s wedding; she was the flower girl. Princess was such a beauty and extremely photogenic. She was dressed in a beautiful off-white satin dress, with flowers in her hair.) I said that I did see the picture, but didn’t pay attention to what she was holding. “Debbie, she was holding a butterfly…a swallowtail butterfly.”

Tears immediately began to sting my eyes...this was the same kind of butterfly that God had sent to me as a sign the day before Princess died. “But wait, Debbie, it gets better” said her grandmother. She proceeded to tell me that four days before Princess died, she was at her grandmother’s house and they were out in her backyard. There was a butterfly flitting about and Princess said, “I want to hold the butterfly, Grandma!! Catch it for me, Grandma, catch it!!” She said that the butterfly had landed on one of the bushes so she went over to see if she could catch it. She said the butterfly sat perfectly still with its wings pressed together, seemingly waiting to be picked up. She picked up the butterfly and took it to Princess who held out her finger. Grandma put the butterfly on Princess’ finger.  She held it for a short time and admired its beauty, all the while talking about just how beautiful it was. She then raised her finger to release the butterfly.

It was, naturally, a swallowtail butterfly.  

Her grandma told me that because Princess loved butterflies so much, they decided to have a butterfly etched on her headstone. Two days after she died, Grandma decided to go out into the yard and see if she could find a butterfly to take a picture of…they wanted a picture of one of her real butterflies for her headstone. Grandma went out into the yard to look for a butterfly. She found one sitting right on that same bush. She thought there was no way that butterfly would sit there while she got close enough to photograph it. But that butterfly did sit there while she went to get her camera. When she approached, its wings were pressed together, but as she inched closer and zoomed, the butterfly opened its glorious wings and just waited. Grandma did get that picture…she got the most beautiful picture of that butterfly, and I think by now, you know exactly what kind of butterfly it was….

Princess’ grandma and I both cried…all over again.

You always have to be looking for your butterflies….you just never know where they will be, or when they will appear….but it’s usually just when you need them.

Look for Your Butterflies.....

Wow. What a crappy week. Sometimes we just all have 'em, but jeez...this one was really rough. I'll take out of the equation the fact that my son is gone for 10 days with his dad on vacation which has certainly been an experience for me because I've never been away from him for that long. However, my crappy week was really based on the death of two of my patients, one who was 14 and one who was only four. Both equally tragic in their own right, but putting them in the same week  just seemed a bit excessive to me, Lord...with all due respect.  And then there was the 6 year old who is so horribly ill that when I went to visit, he just didn't even look human. What the heck is that all about?

If you work in health care, you know that this is just the way it goes sometimes...comes with the territory. However, it doesn't mean you ever get used to it.  I mean, can you ever really get used to it? I don't think so....you just do the best you can and try to deal with it as it comes; rely on your coworkers for support, pray more, give your children more hugs.

Well...this week was exceptionally rough. I've always looked forward to when my little four year old friend would come in for chemo, blood, platelets, dressing changes...we'll call her "Princess." Princess would come in a couple times a week, unless it was a chemo week and then it would be four days in a row. We'd formed a pretty special little bond. The crazy thing about Princess was, she didn't know that if you are dying, you are supposed look and act sick. The fact that she was unaware of how she was supposed to look, actually just made it harder for everyone...family and staff included. We just couldn't understand how she could be so sick, and act so...not sick.

I was already feeling extremely saddened over the death of our 14 year old who died early Monday morning when Princess came in that same morning for platelets....and she was in rare form....so...much...fun! Although I was sad inside, she brought smiles to my face and sunshine to my heart like any other day.  She was really, really, REALLY good at that. She had just the kind of beauty (inside and out) that made everything around her magical. After she left that day, her case manager told me that she had an exorbitant amount of blasts (leukemia cells) in her blood...which essentially equated to...she's definitely going to start feeling sick pretty soon.

The next morning she came in with severe leg pain... came in writhing in pain. This wasn't an easy thing for any of us to see our little Princess in so much pain, especially when she seemed just fine less than 24 hours earlier. Unfortunately this whole scenario played out again, the very next day. We all have those kids who just melt our hearts...and to say that Princess melted my heart, is probably the understatement of the year. When she left that very last day (Wednesday), I knew I'd never see her again. At this point, I just needed to get out and go for a walk...right away.  I called my friend, and walking buddy (I'll call her Kay), to see if she could go...right then and there....for a walk. Kay is an inpatient child life specialist, who had also been having a really crappy time with lots of tragedy in her teen population. We used our walks, not only as a way to get exercise, but we often tried to tackle work issues or occasionally tried to solve world peace. Thankfully, she was able to go with me right then, which was a blessing. We both just needed to go outside of the hospital walls and walk off our sadness/anger/frustration.

So our walk consisted of exactly what it needed to consist of...yelling, crying and questioning. "Why, God, does this have to be so hard??!?!!" "How is this fair?!!" We tried to console each other with words that just really can't make any sense about why kids have to die, because there just aren't any good reasons or words for that. So we walked, we cried, we yelled, we questioned, and then we cried some more. We talked about "signs"...and how we've each asked God for signs about different things in our lives. And then we talked about how we've struggled to figure out if what we were seeing really was a sign...or just our overactive imaginations. I was telling her that it always seems that just when I start to question if this is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, inevitably, I get a call from a patient...just wanting to say "Hi", or to let me know that they're in the building for a checkup and can I come visit. I told Kay, that those always seem to be my signs from God. When I question, He delivers an answer to me in the form of a patient whose life I've touched...or probably more accurately, who has touched MY life. And honestly, He's usually very prompt. :-)

At this point in our conversation I said, "I don't know. Maybe I'm supposed to do something bigger? Maybe it's time for me to move on? Maybe child life isn't what I'm supposed to be doing anymore, it's just too hard. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?!" No sooner had those words crossed my lips, the most beautiful swallowtail butterfly crossed our paths. Not only did it cross our path, it dang near hit me in the face! Literally....I felt it fly past my nose. We both stopped dead in our tracks and looked at each other in awe. Kay said, "Wow." I said, "I guess that's our answer." I can't say that before that day, I'd ever seen a swallowtail butterfly in Nebraska? I see lots of those common yellow and white ones and lots of monarchs, but swallowtail? Nope. Sadly, Princess died that very next morning.

We've talked about this since it happened. What were the odds that Kay could go for a walk with me at that exact time, that we would take that exact path, that the butterfly would fly by me at that exact moment in time? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Always be looking for your butterflies.

A Hundred Years from Now......

 ....it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child” by Forest Witcraft.

This is one of my all time favorite quotes....and one that helps bring focus to my life in uncertain times. I'm sure you've all experienced the same problem…the “Wah wah” moments?  YOU know the ones...it just always seems to stockpile..."wah!" on top of "wah!" on top of "wah!"

I get them from time to time and get on my pity pot; "My house is too small....my house is a mess....I wish I had more money....why do I live so far from my family.....why do I live so close to my family....why doesn't the world revolve around me," etc. One thing that working in health care does...it humbles you. It helps you keep your life in perspective. Inevitably when I'm having one of those days where I just can't understand some of the choices I've made and I’m having a hard time trying to kick myself in the butt, I go to work and get a dose of other peoples' realities.  They have loved ones fighting for their very lives. Perhaps a child newly diagnosed with a life threatening/altering condition. Or there’s a parent who has been in a tragic accident, or one who is losing their battle with cancer and facing the reality that they will have to say their goodbyes all too soon. That’s when I always end up telling mySELF to "shut up and quit whining!"

What brings light to my heart?  Children.  And not just my own son (who is 13)....although he is by far the most important thing in my life. He and I have always had a uniquely wonderful bond. I think it’s partly from being a single mom; we always have each other's back. He’s a lot like me and definitely has inherited some of my better traits....and…a few of my not-so-great ones! Sometimes when I’m on my pity pot, I whine to myself (or if they’re lucky, I whine to others) because I am the sole person responsible for getting my son everywhere and doing everything for him. My family lives 2 hours away, and although his father is local, I'm not able to rely on that help (which would be a totally different blog that I choose not to write about). Then there’s always the “I wish had more money....I want to be able to provide him with this or that, or be able to go here or there, or not have to shop at discount stores (one of my life goals is to buy a real box of cereal), or worry about how many years it will take until I can get a bill paid off.”

Not long ago, one of my friends (from a dual income family) was flabbergasted to learn that I'd never had a manicure or a pedicure. Well....there are choices you have to make in life and we all have to make 'em every day. I choose to go without some things in my life (as we all do), so that I can afford to do other things that include my son, or so that I can buy him the new $300 baseball bat that is required...and one day, that real box of cereal.  

Ahhhh.....do you hear it? These, my friends, are the "Wah wahs!!" Beware of the "Wah wahs". They can really take a toll…if you let them.  But at the end of the day, none of it really matters. What matters most to me is living a good life, taking care of myself, setting a good example, loving God, and raising a good son. I want to raise a son who loves the Lord, who is compassionate toward others, is a good friend, husband and father. A son who knows right from wrong, makes good moral choices, is strong enough to stand up for what is right, and to stand up for those who aren't able to speak up for themselves.

It’s equally important that we are able to influence positively, those children around us. I really have the greatest job in the world! I have the ability to affect children’s lives…every single day, and that is a blessing. To look into the eyes of a child or teen who is potentially facing a new diagnosis of cancer, is a powerful thing….truly powerful indeed. There’s the “deer in the headlights” look, the tears, the sadness, the anger, the fear…it’s all there. And it’s there in the eyes of the parents too.

I get the opportunity to help prepare them for what the next few hours and days are going to be like; prepare them for what lies ahead; arm them with the swords for battle. Knowledge is power and with power, comes strength and courage. Telling kids what will happen, how it will feel, what their job is going to be and helping give them the tools to perhaps have a more positive experience, is a privilege. I also think it’s important to sprinkle in a little well-timed humor (hmmm…a future blog topic?)…and a few smiles. For those who know me, I’m a bit of a silly heart...although if you ask the patients and families, they’ll just say I’m plain nuts. And I take that as a compliment.  :-)

Kids and families just don’t know how to react to this word, “cancer.”  I mean, really…what the heck… “I have cancer?” As you can imagine, this is extremely intense. It is sometimes a very delicate art; being able to balance caring, compassion and empathy, without going overboard on emotions. They have to hear what we are telling them, so sometimes it just takes a couple of repeats. But by inserting a little humor here and there, I’m able to relay that life is going to go on and they are going to be a part of it.  I want them to know that  it’s still okay to laugh (in fact it’s a great stress reliever), that our team is going to be by their side helping them navigate these unfamiliar waters, and we’re going to do it with strength, determination, humor and love. 

 Heck, sometimes I just get to play Skipbo with a patient, or build a rocket ship, or read a story…or just make them smile. Play is just as powerful as any other tool.  Really?  Play? Yes, play. In fact it was Plato who said, “You can learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”  How true this is. Kids look forward to coming for their outpatient treatment and trying to beat me in a game of cards (but they rarely do!), or doing a craft, or blowing bubbles while they have their dressing changed. Wow…what an amazing job I have!  I get to touch kids’ lives every day...and I get to touch their hearts as well.  And….they touch mine.  

Do I still wish I had a bigger house? Yes. Do I still wish that it wasn’t messy? Yes. Do I still wish that I had someone to share life’s up and downs with? Yes. Do I wish I had more money? Yes. Am I thankful for all the wonderful gifts God has bestowed upon me? Yes! ABSOLUTELY!!

So when I get the “Wah wahs”, I recall these 44 words that really say it all….

“A hundred years from now....it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.”