Thursday, September 15, 2011

Reading, wRriting, aRithmetic and.....Child Development?

Sometimes it's hard to know what to write about...and for anyone that knows me personally, words are something I usually have PLENTY of. In fact, I remember my grandma telling me when I was just little girl,  "I remember when you were little and we couldn't WAIT for you to start talking. Then once you started, you never shut up" and she would just smile that beautiful smile that only my grandma had, and her eyes would just twinkle.  So trying to decide what to write about is sometimes a chore because I have to weed out a lot of banter inside my head.

A few months ago I went to a  one act play with a friend, that had only two characters. It was a really funny play telling about the exact same encounter in a super market one day, but from two different points of view..of the two people who had had the encounter. There was a point where the female character went on this 20 minute "crazy woman" ranting about something that happened to her in the tuna fish aisle at the grocery story. She was really just rambling wildly and continuously and flitting from one thought to the next...having good thoughts vs. evil thoughts...literally bantering like a crazy woman. She was like a woman possessed and it was HYSTERICAL. I leaned over to my friend and said,  "Oh yeah, well that's what it's like to live inside my head. What just took her 20 minutes, happens in only FIVE minutes in my head. Novice." See...here I go...rambling again...stick to the topic, Debbie. Oh, that's right, I haven't gotten to it yet.  Here it is: I FINALLY sat down and wrote a letter to our Governor about a topic that has driven me nuts for YEARS. I've had the same idea for years, and each time I talk about it, I get all fired up and say I'm going to finally sit down and DO something about it. Yesterday was actually the day.

For YEARS I’ve sat back, shaken my head, and tried to figure out what is WRONG with kids today.  There are SO many kids that are so disrespectful not only to their parents, but to classmates, teachers and their school administrators. Kids mouth off to adults that they don't even know, talk smack to upper classmen and are just plain disrespectful. (Start shaking my finger and my cane) "Back in MY day, we would have NEVER done that."  Have you ever been in a store or out for a walk,  and just had random kids start spewing disrespectful things at you or others around you? What in the HECK is that all about??!
My son currently is in the 8th grade and attends a magnet school in Omaha, NE. He’s a great student and a really good kid and we chose to have him attend this school for the academics. This particular magnet school is located in "the hood."  We talked a lot about how kids might act differently at this school, might not have as well-defined boundaries, etc., and how it would be important to just focus on school and try not to pay too much attention to the other "stuff." We talked about the valuable life lessons that this type of environment might provide and how maybe, just maybe, he might be able to help others around him by being a good role model. But I'll tell ya'.....the stories he tells about how kids treat each other, teachers, etc., make me really angry, yet sad....and confused all at the same time.  Where in the world is it okay for kids to call teachers names that I didn't even LEARN until I was in high school? Where is it okay to fight in the classroom...and....what?....girls fight with boys??!! Fist fights? Really? You've got to be kidding. One day last year, my son broke up a fight that was happening between a boy....and....a girl....and the GIRL started it??! What the heck is wrong with society??!!  I can tell you what I think PART of the problem is, then I’ll tell you where I think might be a good place for us to start in fixing the problems. 
Obviously it would be very easy to get upset with the kids and tell them to just “straighten up. It's not okay to fight. And you NEVER hit a girl!"  Unfortunately, for so many kids today, they don’t have a reasonable idea of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.  They don't have boundaries that are defined in their homes.
I’ve always said, “How do you teach a low income child that they need to go get an $8 per hour job flipping burgers at McDonald’s, when they can go out on the streets and sell drugs and make a ton of money?” The answer? You teach them that it’s wrong. Period. End of statement. However, do all parents do that? There are a lot that don’t. There are a lot of parents in our world that haven't even figured that out for themselves.
And have any of you parents actually ever looked at your child's facebook? I am APPALLED by what I see some kids writing.  The filth that flies so freely from their fingers....well...that's another topic. My question is not only"Have you seen what your child writes on facebook," but "Do you even know that your child has a facebook account??!"  I actually PRAY that their answer would be "No...I've never checked it" as opposed to "Yeah, I read it. Kids will be kids." At least ignorance you can work with...teach parents that it is their RESPONSIBLITY to monitor those, IF they even choose to allow them.
Okay, so then who DO you get angry with? The parents, right? Not exactly. Most parents are doing the best that they can…and they’re doing what THEY were taught.  Parenting takes a lot of energy and patience and not everyone is equipped the same way as me and my child development degree. So inevitably what happens, is you get “crappy parents” raising “crappy kids,” because they pass on what THEY were taught. It’s just a vicious cycle. You watch teen girls fighting with each other, screaming and pulling hair, scratching, and calling each other names that you wouldn’t even DREAM of saying…where does that come from? Often times, I believe it’s what THEY see. What my son describes at his school is like an episode of Jerry Springer.  It’s deeply disturbing to him that kids treat each other that way, but they also talk that way to teachers.   There’s only so much positive role modeling that the “bused in” kids can provide. This all needs to start at home. I am a firm believer in "It takes a village to raise a child." Unfortunately what I see a lot, is schools doing the best they can, only to have parents work against them at home.  So how can we fix this? Is it an easy fix? No. Is it a quick fix? Absolutely not. Do I think we have to start somewhere? Absolutely.
Get ready....here comes my point.....
I’ve always felt that it should be MANDATORY for ALL middle school AND high school students to take a child development class. What? Why? Because EVERYONE, whether you have children or NOT, will deal with children. What would be gained through this? Role modeling, learned compassion, NORMAL growth and development, how to discipline children, and how to get children to do what you want WITHOUT yelling and hitting them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a store and heard a parent SCREAMING at their children and smacking 'em. Yes, I have been known to call security.  If I see them smack a child, and I’m not talking about just a little slap, I've called 911.  If I don't actually SEE them hit the child, but hear it, or if I hear a parent being totally inappropriate in their tone or words, I just follow them around the store…literally.  I follow them to make them uncomfortable and to make sure that if I DO see something worse, I’m there to intervene. My fear is, if parents are treating their children this way in PUBLIC, what are these precious kids having done to them at home??! And what does this teach those kids? That that is how you discipline….and it ISN’T. Most of the parents are screaming at their children for …gosh...being children.
I’m  a mom and I know full well that kids can be really annoying, ornery, etc., and that sometimes being in public almost breeds misbehavior, and that you sometimes have to yell at kids. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the kind of treatment that brings tears to my eyes, and makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
Here’s a classic example of a parent doing what they think is right...but...it's wrong: A few years ago on the radio they were talking about car seat safety, the importance of keeping kids buckled up, and whether or not it infringes on your rights to HAVE to do this. There was a young woman that called in…sounded like late teen, early 20’s in age. She was quite soft spoken, but she talked about how she holds her baby in her lap in the front seat on the passenger’s side. Naturally the radio host was trying to help her understand how dangerous this was, but this passive woman held her ground.  “I hold my baby really tight. I can protect her if we get in an accident because I love her. I can do a better job than a car seat.” She was very passionate about her answer. The radio host tried to reason with her about what happens if the car strikes something and how the baby would be crushed. She wasn’t listening. She believed she was right. “Plus, my baby doesn’t like car seats, she cries when I put her in one.” This was just lack of education. Perhaps if someone had said to her growing up, “Lots of babies cry when you put them in the car seat, you just do it anyway. Eventually they will quit fussing.”  Or if it’s regarding a toddler, “Do you know, the great thing about having a toddler (or a preschooler) is that if you say, “the car won’t start until you’re in your car seat” and then you “fake” demonstrate that the car won’t start…they’ll believe you... because that’s the way their minds think.” (I used  this on my son when he was just a little guy and it worked like a charm)
I truly believe that if we can start to teach young people appropriate ways to interact with children, even if they don’t see these behaviors at home, it WILL make an impact. They can also be taught safety…not just for any children they might encounter, but also for themselves.  Had the woman above had such a class, she would have known that it is extremely dangerous to not have children in a car seat, and that kids don’t have the ability to rationalize that a car really CAN’T detect if you’re not in your car seat. (Well…maybe there ARE cars now that can??! Sheesh.)
I really feel this would be a good place to start. We HAVE to start to teach our young people better ways...we obviously can't count on it to happen at home. This is not a quick fix, or a total solution; it's one piece of a very large puzzle.  We often have GENERATIONS of "crappy parenting" to undo.
We require that kids take 3 YEARS of math in order to graduate and let's face it...a lot of the math that we’re taught, we don’t ever use.  But it seems crazy to me that we ALL deal with children, and we’re taught nothing about them, except for maybe what our parents teach us …and herein....sometimes lies the problem.